breathing a lil easier with a lil less

too little, too late

olá people,

the air quality in são paulo has settled down a bit. we are no longer breathing the equivalent of 3 cigs a day. but that doesn't mean that it's easy peasy.

são paulo is never easy peasy.

pic of sp in black and white. lots of cars. click by jhonny.

this week, i was walking to pick up my daughter (if you know me, you know i chose walking above all other forms of transportation). leaving my house, i kept my eyes to the ground, attentive to the piles of shit, human and dog. when i rounded the corner, the wind picked up and debris and grime and trash flew into my face, forcing me to close my eyes, but not for long because i've got to be vigilant for drivers on their phones (i've already been hit by a car in a crosswalk in this city). at the next corner, the water company was digging up the road to expand piping, the result of the completely irresponsible and frenetic condominification of the city. i stepped into the street because someone was sleeping on the sidewalk and had to make sure that a motorcycle didn't knock me over. it was also over 80 degrees, at 11 a.m., even though it was under 60 the previous 3 days and it's barely spring here.

days like this remind me that life is just about as rough as my beloved city.

my favorite tree in the world is the erythrina speciosa - native to sp.

i'm a writer. i currently have 7 fiction pieces and 4 non fiction pieces that i'm trying to pub. most are pretty short (under 1000 words), and they've all been revised and edited by trustworthy and competent sources.

those 11 pieces have been rejected a total of 73 times. 1 short fiction piece, deliverance, has the lion's share at 31 rejections.

i habe three acceptances in 2024. one for the easy parts and two i've received acceptances for but haven't been published yet. hopefully they will be this year.

my most recent acceptance was to a journal that i really like. i think they have a great website, are very creator friendly, and do their part to promote their contributors. most of the people published there are impressive. i very intentionally submitted this specific story to this particular journal based on what i read there and their style. i'm happy to get an acceptance.

and, it's also a journal that publishes 25 to 33% of all writers who submit. that means it's not very competitive. that means it's much easier to get an acceptance. in the same week i got a rejection for a different journal that publishes less than 1% of submissions.

it makes me wonder if i'm not good enough. and if i'm not good enough now, will i ever be?

i have this perpetual sense that too little, too late sums up my life.

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i figured out i wanted to be a writer too late. was diagnosed with dsythymia too late. started taking a ssri too late. started being responsible about money, diet too late. it's definitely too late for me to run a marathon or play rec b-ball (because of my dead cartilage). too late to reverse the bad decisions i've made.

it's probably too late for me to make anything easier. too late to learn a different way of being or make a difference in my life. too late to excel at what i love.

is this doom & gloom? bringing you down? that's not my intention. i wanted to share. i often feel like it's too late…

and i keep on going.

i keep on sending out my short stories, especially deliverance, even though no one wants to publish it. i keep on doing those ankle strengthening exercises even though i'll never jump rope or run again. i keep on tracking my finances even though i still have no savings and no retirement. i keep on doing therapy even though this pony probably isn't going to learn any new tricks.

i keep doing it because it's quite literally who i am. i'm organized, even when depressed, and i'm a writer, even without publications, and i love to learn, even when it doesn't make a damn bit of difference.

it is too little, too late for what could have been. but it is just enough for what is.

that's not very damn sexy. it doesn't give me thrills and no one is moved to tears by this message. but me accepting who i am is the best i've got and it's alright. i hope it is for you too.

cheers,

m