friends: take them or leave 'em?
definitely don't take my advice
olá people,
i was 44 years old when i discovered that i have wavy hair. i had no idea. that's weird, right? like, isn't that something someone should know?
it also took me 20+ years (over half my life) to realize i didn't like the woman i called my best friend (and had said countless times was like a sister to me and i loved oh so much).
surprise!
given how much i don't know about myself, you have every right to question any “wisdom” i have to share about friendship. but here it is anyway.
in 2021, after 24 years of friendship i wrote in my diary “i don't think x and i have anything in common. i really don't like hanging out with her, but that's okay.”
sigh. it wasn't okay.
but given how much time was invested, and how much i'd convinced myself that i loved and needed this friendship, my strategy was to ignore those inconvenient feelings. ignore, ignore, ignore.
it didn't work.
by 2023, i couldn't stand her. i stopped talking to her. for months and months. she thought it was about me, not her. then i took the plunge and told her that the friendship wasn't working. thoughtfully, calmly. shared that it was too much about affirming her, too little about me being who i really am.
she thought that meant i wanted her to tell me she loved me. it did not.
i hated talking to her at that point. actively avoided it for weeks on end. but i'd said she was family. told people, publicly, how important she was to me. wrote her a letter that i'd love her forever (if you know me. you know i love letters!)
so i kept plugging along.
all that did was give me even more time to get even more pissed off. accumulated resentment is never any good for anyone, especially me. it's why i couldn't keep my shit together the one time i tried to call her out on self absorbed behavior and she got pissed at me for getting the details wrong.
my reactions was to tell her to f—off and say she wasn't my friend anymore. those exact words. not my finest moment. i don't regret ending the friendship, but i truly wish i hadn't done it by acting like a potty mouth 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum.
it's been almost half a year and i often find myself thinking… how did i get it so wrong? why was i so convinced i was beeeeest friends with someone that…i was not? why'd i lose my shit?
here's the lesson (i think): dude, we are fucked up. for real. we project and deny and avoid and negate. we choose people to be in our lives based on whack criteria. see what we want to see, not what's there. repeat unhealthy dynamics from our childhood. all. the. time! the fact that any relationship—platonic, romantic, professional—is established and maintained and healthy for any amount of time is a small miracle.
personally, i'm drawn to emotionally unavailable people who treat me as less than (thanks dad) AND i was never taught what it meant to find a friend, be a friend, construct a friendship. no discussions on how to negotiate needs and expectations and disappointments and evaluate when a connection is deep and meaningful and when it is not.
i’ve chosen great friends and ditched them way too soon (photo above is one example) and chosen yucky (to me) people and stuck it out way too long.
finally, i think i understand why.
here's what the-not-best-friendship-for-two-plus-decades taught me:
1) we do the best we can with what we've got. i really thought i was sisters/besties with this chic. i meant what i said and expressed. and maybe for young adult melissa, that friendship totally made sense. when i realized that i no longer felt that way, that the friendship wasn't serving me at all, i should have given myself permission to acknowledge that. as hard as it was. as much as i didn't want to be true. emotions are always true. they aren't always accurate guides to how to respond, but they are always valuable information to respect.
2) i finally know what friendship is for me! it is a vulnerable, reciprocal, exchange. i give and i take. they receive and they offer. i share. they welcome. i make room. they take space.
i love what my friends have to offer (not necessarily everything but most of it) and they love what i have to offer (mostly). if i don’t, they aren’t the friend for me. period. and vice versa.
it's not about being equal or the same. it's about creating a space—a friendship—that allows for the people involved to be authentic and evolving.
i needed a very long time to figure out that i didn't feel respected or safe in my friendship. like…almost 30 years. damn. and realize there wasn’t any permission to change that dynamic.
and that's okay. because i look at the other friendships i have and they are authentic and vulnerable and reciprocal. and i'm glad that i have criteria to measure them by. because i never did before.
3) i recently read a book about dying, in português, by a palliative care doctor (here's her tedx talk with subtitles) and one of the observations she made that stuck with me was “the most healing treatment that exists is the honest expression of feelings.” i pride myself on being honest but i was not honest with x for a very long time. i didn't feel good about myself around her, i didn't enjoy hearing about her life. and i never said a word. i just tried to please please please (and i am NOT a people pleaser). but, i also wasn't honest when i told her to fuck off. that was just rude.
4) all i can do is learn from the journey (my mistakes + successes) i've taken to this point.
i've messed up a lot of friendships AND i prioritized a lot of whack-o ones. now, i finally get it! why so many failed and why the few that remain are so real. i forgive myself for what i didn't know and how i've failed and hurt people and myself and i celebrate what i've discovered. i look forward to continuing to honor and invest in the few amazing friendships i have and making new ones.
i wish the same for all of you.
cheers,
m