my big fat happy life
not exactly what you would expect
olá people,
i was always a pretty judgmental person. when i was a teenager i thought women over 40 shouldn't wear shorts, or white after labor day. (thank you internalized sexism and classism!). before i had a kid, i was repulsed by parents who put their kids on leashes. and before rescuing a dog, i was outraged by people who didn't neuter their pets.
now, i think everyone should wear whatever they want, whenever they want. all the time. for real.
and after becoming a sleep deprived parent, i totally understood the leash thing. i never needed it because my kid was too anxious and afraid to wander off but if she hadn't been….
and now that i've neutered a dog, i 100% get why people don't do it! we did it for “free” through the municipal government, but had to buy the surgical clothes and antibiotics and clean the wound 3x a day for 10 days, during which the puppy of 5 months couldn't jump or play or go outside.
hahahahahah. a puppy, by the way, that HATES being touched. and only wants to run around and play. so yeah, that was…a nightmare.
ideally, you'd still neuter your pet but ummm, who am i to judge? for real.
i think i was so judgy, and still catch myself being judgy, because i feel judged. and, let's be real, it's not just me. we are constantly encouraged to judge others. their actions, words, intentions. judge it! i mean, isn't like 70%* of social media basically evaluating and judging others? (*made up number).
i think judgment of others is compensation for feeling inadequate. and damn, this world gives us sooooo many opportunities to feel inadequate.
loser. you can't buy all the buyable things, your face looks older and older and older, your body is looser and looser, you haven't traveled there or won an award here.
i've felt inadequate in all the ways, and for many years it kept me small and quite timid in my life choices.
therapy didn't change that. love didn't change that (though awesome love with an awesome person helps). friends didn't change that. a career didn't change that.
writing did.
becoming a writer and deciding that my words gave me the strength to be judged and feel inadequate, over and over and over again, has allowed me to live a larger life.
not a more successful one. not a prettier or flashier one. not a more impressive one.
but a big fat happy* one. (*as happy as a 45/6 year old with dysthymia, ocd, made obsolete by technology and living in the fun fascism of the 21st century can be).
i recently wrote about my 100 literary magazine rejections and what i learned from it and what advice i have for all my fellow beloved rejects.
even if you don't write, i hope you find it useful.
here's to a day with a little less judgment and just about no inadequacy! how about that?
cheers,
m