tips & tricks for a happy ending
not that kind
olá people,
are you happy? just curious.
for most of my 20's and 30's i was distrustful of the word happy. i wasn't happy (probably because of my dysthymia, undiagnosed at the time) and i thought that was okay (i wasn't miserable either). i felt moments of happiness but didn't quite understand what it meant to be happy and most people didn't seem all that “happy”, even though they said they were (and this before social media, imagine now).
the more i became atheist/apolitical the more i viewed the concept of happiness as a marketing concept to bred dissatisfaction and more consumption. not happy? buy x product! and i became more and more suspicious of happiness as a tool for actual oppression. what good is a bill of rights that identifies the pursuit of happiness as a birthright when health care and housing and nutrition aren't guaranteed? who cares about happiness when people can die of preventable diseases because they can't afford care? happiness didn't seem real ou desirable or sustainable.
i'm less anti-happiness now but it's still not a word i use all that frequently. mostly because it still carries all that political and economic exploitation and it still is just a super vague word.
but if you were to ask me if i am happy, i'd say yes. i have a talented/sexy/thoughtful husband and a funny/weird/interesting kid. work is a small part of my life and pays my bills. most of my time is dedicated to my writing and my family. i have access to national healthcare and can get treated for a uti or depression or cancer (if the need should ever arise) without incurring any debt. i live in a violent country with almost no school shootings. i have the wherewithal to contemplate death so i can live more fully. i eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and love them.
i can also hold the happiness with the shit (thanks to lifelong depression). the national healthcare system can be great and also provides the worst ultrasounds on the planet. totally useless. my husband is the best ever and it took me 40 years to find him and we'll never have kids together and i really don't like his kids. 45 hurts, physically, and i look old and have no money for botox. my kid hates reading and complains a lot. termites are the bane of my existence and no amount of expensive ass toxic chemicals rid me of them. the extreme right is so popular with so many people and i hate their hate.
holding both/and is probably what makes me most happy. that's it. that's my trick. like i said, i'm not a happy person but i'm happy. if you were wondering.
in this case, i'm asking. are you? i hope that you are. no matter how difficult or unfair or bummed out life is for you right now. no matter how fantastic and amazing and wonderful it is at this moment. i hope you're the deep down, non-consumer, non-oppressive kind of happy.
cheers,
m